In Conversation: Mistress Stone
What do you get when you combine a switch and a dominatrix? Mistress Stone and I talk sensual sadism, leading and being led, and Helmut Newton.
I’m keenly aware of how lucky I am to be sitting across from Mistress Stone. Being led by the cuffs down the street by Her is a submissive’s dream. More than this, though, I’m lucky to call Her a friend and playmate. Discussing kink with practised and passionate (not to mention, often quite literally, devastatingly beautiful) people is a favourite pastime of mine. Mistress Stone and I talk unrestrainedly about dominance, submission and everything in between after getting up close and personal in an entirely more ‘restrained’ way.
Far be it from me to tell her story for her, I ask about Her journey to Mistress Stone and what She does now.
MS: Well, my name is Mistress Stone. I am a professional and lifestyle dominatrix. I've been in the world of BDSM and kink for the past 15+ years. Initially, I actually began in the more submissive role.
E: I didn't know that! I actually had this conversation with Nikki discussing how the people who make the best doms have been subs before and vice versa.
MS: I mean, I generally agree with Nikki, she's fabulous. [We spend a moment in shared reverie about previous play parties with Nikki in attendance…] I spent the first half of that time exploring in the more submissive realm, played a little bit with switching, and then as I grew more into my confidence, my womanhood and my feminine power, I realised that I'm a deeply dominant woman who had been suppressing certain elements of herself. My first fetish memory was when I was a young teenager, so this has been in my blood for a very long time. I’m naturally dominant, and once I allowed myself access to it, it's been like a caged animal has finally been allowed to be free. For the past five years now, I have been joyously expressing that side of myself.
From personal observation, I can wholeheartedly say that she gives a lot of other people joy in doing so. I’m curious, though, about that teenage fetish memory?
MS: I had a, I don't know what you would call it, a sexy dream. I was in a hospital room with nurses, and all the nurses were very attractive… And they were controlling my pleasure with a machine that was like a heart rate monitor. And as I reflect on the things that I watched when I was younger, the films and the scenes that I used to watch, they were always things relating to BDSM, to dominance to something a little bit taboo and dark.
E: I mean, we already talked about the movie Seven earlier, so I think we have that in common. You talked about formative experiences, early dreams, memories; media often shapes that too. Which of those films, books, etc. have had a profound impact on your sexuality, and your dominance?
MS: There's several, I think. I ended up discovering my dominance through my fetishes, they helped me to navigate that. Specifically the Cronenberg movie Crash. I remember feeling very interested in my reaction to that movie, and very confused because I was quite young, and it's a very specific type of fetish, which is not very mainstream. Anybody that's seen it will know. And also Nine and a Half Weeks, which is actually Mickey Rourke which is full of BDSM. Lots of sensuality, lots of food play. Those are the two movies that really stick out in my mind. Also, interestingly, one which I realised recently, and go with me on this: Princess Bride?
E: Yeah! Is it the kidnapping thing?
MS: It’s when they put him on the rack! I remember being like, ‘why do I want to play with that? I want to put a man on a rack. Is that okay?’ He's so devotional to her, he does anything for her. And it wasn't this Disney princess thing, it was ‘I will fight to the death and I will take this pain.’ That translates to me now in how I like to be worshipped and treated. I deserve to have the most devotion in the world.
E: Okay, so that's more your domme style? I’m trying to tease this out, because that early dream is very MedFet. And I think a lot of people put MedFet in one category, and then they put pain in another category, and we build all these boxes to help navigate the world of powerplay. I've experienced your domme-ing style. And I love, at least from the experiences I've had, the very sensual approach that you take. But how would you describe the full variety and the essence of your dominant style?
MS: I think the first thing to note about dominance and domme-ing and BDSM is, it can't be categorised. Sometimes there may be a specific fetish, and then you stay within that realm because that is your fetish. So for example, a medical fetish, it might be that that person only aligns and gets aroused or enjoys that particular one. For me, it's more about bringing my energy and my personality to whichever realm I’m in. So I like to think of myself as a sensual sadist. Unassumingly sadistic is what I've had quite a lot [from others describing me]. And I really enjoy the playfulness of looking so sweet, and I'm so nice, but you will take pain for me. And you will do what I say.
To take the idea of medical play. I don't do it in the same way as some people might. I don't even necessarily play with needles. But for example, I did a roleplay that I really enjoyed where I was a slightly evil nurse. Someone had been sent by their work to have a full medical assessment, but they'd actually done something really bad at work, so I was there to give them a little punishment… Cruel and controlling, but also aroused by it. So I think you can just bring elements you want to each area.
E: I think that there are a huge number of misconceptions about domme-ing and strict categories. What are the other misconceptions which you tend to run into?
MS: I think the first one that I came up against myself was that in order to be a dominatrix you had to be very hard, very strict, and cold. No softness, no nurturing, no laughter, no play, very serious. It almost stopped me from becoming a Domme and stepping into that part because that's not authentic to me. I can't do that. But then I started meeting other Dommes that were expressing nurturing, or even like motherly energy. I love to laugh! I always love to laugh during sex anyway, so laughter in play is good and can even make things more scary. A little bit of fear, if I'm tying something, they can't see and I start giggling. It's an extra layer. What's she doing? Why is she laughing? But you know, I felt like you had to be in character all the time. But actually, for me, something that I really bring to a session or an experience is authenticity and genuineness. In the middle of the session, something might go wrong. And we might giggle! I had somebody once on this big throne, and the thing fell over backwards suddenly. He was absolutely fine, and we just laughed for about 15 minutes, because it was just so funny. It made the session even better, because we connected, you know, on an extra level. And there's such a vulnerability in submitting, that the more you feel that that person is also a human and has this level of authenticity to them, the further you can submit and the deeper you go into subspace.
How's the kink scene been going for you at the moment? What are you finding yourself particularly drawn to right now?
MS: Interesting. My favourite spaces are femdom spaces, catered towards the woman being superior for obvious reasons. Pedestal is my favourite night in all of London. [I remember one of the first times I saw Mistress Stone was at Club Pedestal, surrounded by adoring men at her feet.] I just love being in kinky fetish spaces. I feel most at home. Now I'm very open, I talk pretty honestly about who I am. But there are levels to how much I'll share and how much I give depending on where I am. And in being a space where I feel so free, and so liberated, and so met and celebrated in who I am. I think that's the thing I love as a woman in a feminine space.
I observe that this attitude really shows in the spaces She creates. I think She’s probably one of the most conscientious creators of shame-free, accepting, open spaces I know. But, pervert that I am, I want her to talk to me more about feet and trampling…
MS: Firstly, my feet are a huge erogenous zone for me. So that, but actually interestingly, that kind of foot play is quite intimate to me. And so that tends to be more for my personal life. But trampling is power, right? Power, control, pain. It's the ultimate symbol of dominance to me; to stand on somebody, to literally walk on them, for someone to lay their body down for you to use as your floor, it's an instant connection to my dominance. I recently started my own party, specifically for this, as a smaller community space with a little bit of play. I wanted to aim it at people who are new, because there's so much shame still, especially for men. It's during the day and the idea is that we can alchemize this shame by sharing it. So I think that there's something very important to me in my own exploration of this, which is also helping other people to know that there's no shame in these fetishes. We all have different ways of expressing ourselves sexually and, essentially, there's no right or wrong.
E: Reflecting, I think that's probably why our sessions together are so great. We have a genuine respect and connection and mutual love of laughter. I see you as an authentic individual. You see me as an authentic individual. And it means that when we do a scene we can get creative, we can get weird, we can go deeper into the fantasy. And at the end of that we don't feel empty or unsafe or bad. We can look back at that beautiful shared experience and say ‘that was amazing, again, next time, what else are we going to do?’. We met through the kink scene, originally anyway. Right?
MS: Yeah. I think we, how do we say, consummated our friendship? That's very sexy.
Before I even knew Mistress Stone beyond the parasocial, I thought Her aesthetic was so beautiful and gothic. I remember a shoot by a church, with gowns and dark moody colours, and a promise of something very bad that would feel very good. We ended up working and playing together, through the kink scene, KLE and beyond. But, more interestingly, our playspace together is inviting people in. So many people want to move into that space, but aren't sure how to go about it.
MS: Having another Domme in the room can be a really rewarding experience. I think that the hands-on training approach is fun, obviously, but it's something that I'm really passionate about. BDSM and kink, not to mention any names of any particular movies, but it was brought to the mainstream in a way that's led to some potentially damaging and harmful interactions. There's so much nuance to safety: emotional, physical, mental, which isn't addressed in some of the more surface level representations. So something that I really enjoy is having the opportunity to work with other men and women who really want to step into this dominant part of themselves, but don't want to feel just like they're doing a YouTube tutorial. Learning from somebody hands on, with a professional submissive who feels free and safe, and also at the same time having a really sexy, amazing experience.
E: Selfishly, I think it appeals to the voyeur as well.
MS: Yeah. Hello, I mean, roomful of voyeurs here.
E: That's something which appeals to me personally. Being both an exhibitionist and a voyeur, being in a session where you're being watched, especially being a sub is that added layer of being submissive. Where you're being good for the person directly Domme-ing you. And you're also good for the person watching the session. So I think it's a many layered thing.
MS: Totally. And then, for me, it drops into my love of controlling pleasure, pain, experience. And in this way, I'm orchestrating somebody else who is controlling somebody else. And that chain is tapping into so many levels of voyeurism, my ego. It's so psychological. When you get a harmonious situation where everybody is getting this complex layering of experience, it's a beautiful thing.
Is there anything kink-wise, that you'd really love to try out, that you haven't really had the chance to explore?
MS: Yes! There's a couple of things- the reason I haven't explored them yet is because they involve more training. One is electro play; I have a cattle prod, which is basically kind of like a violet wand. I like it because a huge element of sensual domming is textures and the senses, basically. And there's this thing with the wand, where the light and the sound and theatre of it is high even though the sensation is very low on those, like getting an electric shock from a railing. It's not painful. I'd really like to do some more intense electro play with the actual plugin, hardcore machines.
I'd like to get better and more integrative with rope play. I like to do bondage, and I like to do predicament. There's something about rope that really brings the presence of self into the body, you can access a deeper subspace, and there's something really magical about it I’d like to develop my skills in. I always want to do more role plays. They are my favourite thing!
The last thing is a really connected, intimate, intense fin-domme. I want it to be a narrative and a story, I have so many scenarios in my head. But it takes a lot of trust and a lot of intimacy which is quite rare. I don't come across it very often.
E: I suspect a lot of people have curiosity about financial domination on both the dominant and the submissive side, but fears about scamming and safety are huge. What are your parameters, and how do you ensure safety for people on both sides of that relationship?
MS: Initially, I would establish the trust with them by having the first sort of consultations as a meet in person or a video/phone call and there would need to be a contract. I would need to have access to the proof of earnings, so that I know that their limits are genuine. The issue can be that, because the element of findom that’s exciting is the lack of control and the risk, submissives can be inclined to fabricate their actual financial capacity. In order for it to be safe, you have to have boundaries and honest communication around the affordability.
E: You mentioned you’ve got some fun scenarios- do tell?
MS: So this is my favourite. It would be in a very luxurious bar or nightclub. My submissive would attend separately to me, but I would have their credit card and they would know it. They would sit in the corner, maybe alone, maybe with friends and I would sit in their view and begin to order the most expensive bottles from the top shelf. I open the first one, I'll take a sip, call the waiter and say “I don't like it, get me this one instead”. I do this several times. And I just start to give these bottles and drinks to any attractive women that I see in the room (because giving to attractive women is just one of my main passions in life, of course) and every time I go and tap with the card I make sure that I make eye contact with my submissive every time I tap. And he knows the value of these things- every time I spend it pings and tells him how much I'm spending. And it's the carelessness, the frequency! It's the ‘I know that you'll do this for me, I know that you'll let me spend whatever I want because you're devoted to me’. So I'm just going to order it and not even drink it. And after I've done this for long enough and I can see he's really starting to sweat, I go over to the table. I lean over and take the card as if I was going to give it back. And then, at the last minute, slip it back in my bra, kiss him on the cheek and leave. So then he would have no idea where I was going with this card, how much I was going to spend. I'd maybe invite some of the women with me on the way out. And I just look back and give him a little wink…
E: A bar, a nightclub, the world is clearly your oyster. Where do you mainly like to have your sessions? Because, despite the fact that we've sessioned together a lot at parties and in hotels, I've never joined you at a dungeon or BDSM-specific space.
MS: For me, it depends on the style of the session. Sensual, edging, tie-and-tease I prefer to do in a hotel, one with a bit of an edge, your more dark and gothic aesthetic. But the mood is just as important as the space, and I set the scene myself. I usually bring some fabrics and candles, some music, and a little scent in the air.
I remember the playlist She put on at the last session we had together; the woman really does know how to set the tone.
MS: My playlist? I'm very proud of it. It drops everyone in the room into that energy immediately. So hotel rooms are my favourites for that. But then I also think dungeon spaces are great for other reasons. I do find that for people that struggle more to switch off from the outside world and get into subspace, it's very helpful because you're immediately in that environment, it's the first trigger. And, of course, certain equipment like furniture.
Speaking of equipment, what’s your tool/toy/weapon of choice?
MS: I mean, I feel like I have so many. And because I’m a domme and I do what I want I'm going to take three. So a high heel because of what it does to me and my energy and my stature when I put it on, and also because of the pain it can inflict. Next is rope because one of my favourite things to do is CBT bondage. And the final one which isn't so obvious to people, because you think about tools, you think about physical implements. But it's the environment and the depth of psychological intensity that's created by it. So, for example, I prefer to do slightly longer sessions. It takes time to drop into the energy and the connection of the session, and to have the appropriate discussions on either side of the session. This is not something that I think is necessarily conceived of dominatrixes, but I like to have some sort of social connection. A nice dinner, some drinks, a lunch, and in that time, that's where you start to build the anticipation so that by the time we get to the dungeon or the hotel, you get the full embodied experience from the get go, instead of needing the warm up time. So your actual session time is much more deep, much more intense.
E: I wonder, does that social time involve kink or a power dynamic? Or is it more of a get to know you? What is it that you want to create with that?
MS: I think that depends on the dynamic and the situation, the people involved. For example, edging can begin at drinks and at dinner. So it can be quite a literal start to the session. It can be that you start to engage gently in the power dynamic, especially if there are multiple submissives or switches. But, as we discussed earlier, you can't put BDSM into a box. So I think that time is so beneficial and adds so much value to the experience for various different reasons. For some people, it's nerves, right? It can be really nerve wracking coming into your first BDSM session, especially when you have this preconceived idea of this dominatrix that's towering over you leather-clad with a whip that's going to beat the shit out of you and is unforgiving and cruel. And, oh my god, what if what if something bad happens? Spending time at dinner and engaging with this person can build a foundation of psychological safety.
E: So what about the woman behind the whip? What do you do on your downtime when you're not taking charge of other people's pleasure and looking after other people? What brings you enjoyment?
MS: Photography is a huge passion of mine. It's something that I do professionally, but also creatively, and especially self portrait work. I really love creating these images of myself, and being able to capture an essence of myself that I feel I can't always see.
E: Do you have any other influences? In photography, or an art, any word that really influenced your creative style?
MS: Yes! My ultimate, all time, photography influence is Helmut Newton which comes as no surprise. Interesting, powerful woman in heels. So much of his work, and especially a lot of the work that isn't so readily shown, is work he did around BDSM representation and kink. It’s so beautiful. And actually how he captures the female form. The series that he did, the nude series. It's the first time I'd ever seen a woman photographed naked, where it wasn't sexualized, yeah, but it was powerful. And for me that was a representation of female power and dominance in this beautiful way. She's not trying to be flirty. She's not trying. She's just power. And it's got so much sexual energy, but it's not sexualized. And that for me was just like, that's how I feel about women. And he captured that and it was magnificent.